Memorial Day 2019

Memorial Day 2019

For lots of reasons Memorial Day is both my favorite AND least favorite holiday of the year. I’ll explain – although I’m still recovering from sitting in the sun drinking a fifth of lunch, I can’t guarantee my reasons will be explained in any particular order.


The first reason I love Memorial Day is that there are no gifts involved … because the people we’re honoring are dead. Very hard to shop for the dead; what do you get them, lye, to help speed up the decomposition? (Just kidding, they’ve been dead for years, no time for lime!) Seriously, not only are the dead impossible to shop for, but not matter how expensive a gift you buy, you’ll NEVER get a thank-you card, a phone call, or even an email with a couple of fun emoji’s expressing gratitude. I find the dead to be horribly ill-mannered.


Which leads me to the first reason I DON’T like Memorial Day. Strangely, tradition dictates that we “celebrate” Memorial Day. So, people are forced to say, “Happy Memorial Day,” or, “Have a great Memorial Day!” Somewhere we have forgotten that Memorial Day is a MEMORIAL, where we honor our fallen heroes, not a bachelorette party, where we all get drunk and tell the bride we know her fiancée is lousy in bed, because her sister told us. If we’re going to say, “Happy Memorial Day,” then why not “Enjoy the Zapruder film,” or, “Merry Autopsy?”


The second reason I don’t like Memorial Day is that it’s a forced holiday. By that I mean I’m expected to be somewhere and do something. And if I don’t go to barbecue/party/whatever – even by choice – then I’m perceived as being a loser with no friends. (FYI, NO excuse is good enough to get out of going to a “patriotic” gathering. Even “I’m bringing Death Row Inmates their final meals,” or, “I’m donating bone marrow to every frail child on the planet,” doesn’t cut it.) So why not just rub “friendless loser” in my face, like you do on Valentine’s Day? Really, don’t worry about it; I’m fine with it.


Which brings me to the best thing about Memorial Day – I can now, officially wear the color white. And not only do we get to wear it – to restaurants, theaters, country clubs … even memorials, but we can also go to Bed, Bath & Beyond’s white sale and buy linens, half-off! A little Percale never hurt a girl.

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